I just sent this letter off to the Rugby Football Union:
Here’s the PDF, and the text is copied below. Wish me luck!
Dear Rugby Football Union of England,
In the wake of England’s disappointing performance in the 2015 Rugby World Cup, I have pleasure in offering my services as chief coach, once Stuart Lancaster has been humanely disposed of.
My relevant rugby experience is extensive. In the 1970s, I trained with Bishop’s Stortford under tens, and I am pretty sure that I subsequently represented Bishop’s Stortford High School at U13 level or similar (though I might be misremembering a match when I went to watch my friend Myles). In the late 1990s, I played several times for Racal Decca Sports and Social Club, representing them as both flanker and winger against teams including London Japanese and some kind of Metropolitan Police team (I can’t remember the exact details.)
More recently, I’ve watched quite a few of the recent World Cup matches, and even managed to see one in the flesh (Australia vs. Fiji). As a result of this careful research, I have conceived several important tactical innovations which I think would really help the England team:
- I notice that often when our players receive the ball, they run straight into an opponent. I propose that they should try going round, instead.
- Many teams have foundered on the difficult question of how to respond to New Zealand’s national war-dance, the Haka – whether to face it down, feign indifference, etc. My proposal is to respond with our own national dance, Morris dancing. (This may require recruiting a specialist coach.)
- I have noticed that our front row players give away a lot of penalties in the scrum. I think they should stop doing that.
I understand that Stuart Lancaster is presently in receipt of a salary in the region of £1M per year. In order to save the RFU much-needed funds, I would be prepared to undertake this role for considerably less – let us say £500k per year?
Thank you for your consideration,