How much I hate Torchwood

I am slogging through Series 2 of the dreadful Torchwood, mostly just so I can say that I did it, and so that I can be as harshly critical of it as I want without people saying “Oh, but did you actually watch it?  It actually got quite good in Series 2, actually.”

He just watched "End of Days"

I just started on Episode 9 (Something Borrowed).  Literally two seconds into the episode — when they are just striding pointlessly across the field at the start of the ubiquitous intro — I found myself spontaneously pausing it, getting up to go and get a glass of fruit-juice, then nipping up to my office and spending 45 minutes fixing a bug for my day-job (getting the YAZ toolkit’s CQL-to-CCL translator to semi-correctly handle proximity nodes in CQL queries, since you asked.)  Now I return to the laptop where Torchwood is still paused at 0:02, and before I hit the play button, I take a moment to write this post.

That’s how much I hate Torchwood.  I would rather fix day-job bugs, or write about how much I hate it, than actually watch it.

Ugh.  I suppose I’d better get on with it.

Update (53 minutes later)

To be fair, that turned out to be one of the better Torchwood episodes.

Still very bad, though.

19 responses to “How much I hate Torchwood

  1. Life’s too short! Plenty of good TV shows to catch up on without having to wade through that muck. Just repeat to yourself, “I can still be a Doctor Who fan if I hate Torchwood. I can still be a Doctor Who fan if I hate Torchwood….”

  2. What’s Torchwood?

    (Yes, I know I can Google it. That’s not the point…)

  3. Then skip the rest of season 2 and watch “Children of Earth.” You won’t miss much, and COE is absolutely the BEST story that RTD has ever done, period.

    I generally like Torchwood, but it is truly not in the same league as Doctor Who.

    Children of Earth is the only exception, it was actually a very good story, and RTD actually had the ending make a some sense.

  4. Spaceman Spiff

    Torchwood – funky, but fun! I’m looking forward to the new series, personally. After all, what isn’t there to like about Cap’n Jack? :-)

  5. Children of Earth is the only part of Torchwood worth watching, and even that’s mostly miss.

  6. See my parents also recommended COE to me, which distresses me, because the first season was so bad. Incidentally, its my convinction that Torchwood should be renamed Captain Scarlet. The parallels are uncanny, even to the entire cast continously forgetting that he’s invincible.

  7. Jason suggests:

    Then skip the rest of season 2 and watch “Children of Earth.” You won’t miss much, and COE is absolutely the BEST story that RTD has ever done, period.

    Well, Children of Earth is pretty much the reason I am going through with this exercise. I’ve read in a few different places that it’s outstanding, and though I am skeptical about that I do want to find out for myself whether it’s all that. But I don’t want to skip ahead, I want to see it in context.

    The other reason for sticking with Series 2 is that, having made it as far as the end of Episode 9, it’s now only four more episodes until [REDACTED] finally dies, after what is surely the most protracted death scene in modern television. I will get some quality beers in for the occasion.

  8. WyrdestGeek

    Torchwood… Well the good thing about Torchwood is that it’s a spin-off series. So you don’t actually have to watch it, but you can still watch Doctor Who.

    But I think I understand what you’re saying: you live in Great Britain, home of Doctor Who and all its spin-offs. And you probably know a non-trivial n people who all gush about Torchwood all the time.

    Over here in the U.S., I can choose to watch it or not as I see fit. I watched a little bit of series one, but it wasn’t that exciting so I didn’t keep going.

    I’ll try to watch Children of Earth sometime since everyone seems to think it’s the coolest thing since sliced bread.


    Furry cows moo and decompress.

  9. Can’t recommend Children of Earth too highly. I gave up on series 1, and still haven’t bothered with 2, but CoE has made me want to see the series 4: Miracle Day in any case.

  10. Paul Brown

    “I’ve read in a few different places that it’s outstanding”

    I strongly suggest that you dial down your expectations on that; CoE was quite good and there were only two or three utterly stupid bits, but it was far from outstanding. “Far better than the first two series” would be a more honest description.

  11. WyrdestGeek

    Well, yeah that’s the thing: I mean I guess the whole consensus is that CoE is very good. But whether your mind sees it and thinks “omg that’s the best ever!” or whether you think merely “oh, well that’s fairly good” seems to be related to your overall opinion of the rest of the series. (Just my brief observation from the commenters on this page.)


    Furry cows moo and decompress.

  12. Just to clarify. I agree with the comments about not getting too hopeful for COE. Like I said, I believe its the best that RTD’s ever done, but its not quite on par with the best Moffat’s ever done.

  13. Pingback: Credit where it’s due: Children of Earth | The Reinvigorated Programmer

  14. I’ve watched all of Torchwood and aside from being often uninsteresting my biggest beef the the blatant shoving in our faces of man on man homosexuality. Look, most of us are ok with people being gay, but we don’t want or need it to be thrown out there like a grizzly scene from a horror flick.

    To make matters worse in the most recent Miracle Day series we get to see Captain Jack and some bartender full nude banging each other… Ugh…totally unnecessary as would be a hetero scene, but at least that wouldn’t be as offensive.

    Just because we support gay rights doesn’t mean we have to tolerate gay sex scenes.

  15. Ugh…totally unnecessary as would be a hetero scene, but at least that wouldn’t be as offensive.

    Just because we support gay rights doesn’t mean we have to tolerate gay sex scenes.

    Obviously you’re an homophobic wannabe-liberal who needs to start voting Green as penance.

    But seriously, don’t you realize that “tolerance” now means “full-blown acceptance”, and that it’s Good and Right to have aberrant behavior (that which 90-95% of the population are grossed out by and does not enhance the basic biological need to reproduce) displayed by the mass media as a commonplace?

  16. WyrdestGeek

    Is it gross when a white woman dates a black man?

    But I have no doubt that the U.S. in the deep south there are still some folks who would be “grossed out” by such a display.

    The shifting of cultural norms takes time.


    Furry cows moo and decompress.

  17. Pingback: Children of Earth: the final verdict, part 1: why Torchwood sucks | The Reinvigorated Programmer

  18. Pingback: Mike’s bang-up-to-date review of The Doctor, the Widow and the Wardrobe | The Reinvigorated Programmer

  19. I’ve just finished watching Dr Who, and started Torchwood because it is a spin-off. Perhaps I expected too much, but I started hating it from the very beginning. Today I googled “I hate Torchwood” and your blog was the 1st in a long row of responses. I can call these series “Fringe for the Poor”, perhaps. One of the strongest surprises was that in the so called Torchwood Institute dealing with extra terrestrial stuff there’s a buch of ordinary poorly educated guys – a police woman, a medical doctor, an IT (not even a computer scientist) and an office manager – and absolutely no scientists or engineers. Another disappointment is the cast. I absolutely hate Gwen Cooper. I think she is exceptionally plain and vulgar, and I would be OK with that if she weren’t considered hot by the T creators. Owen is also quite unsympathetic, however he is supposed to be a heart breaker. So, I decided to stop watching it and just wait for the new season of DW. It is hard to watch smth, when you cannot identify with the characters, and actually hate them.

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